if you see somebody walking down the street with their dog and the dog is being good and it healed don't whistle to it don't say a [ __ ] thing never indicate to the dog anything if you walk up to the dog and the dog gets excited and jumps on you and you start petting it you're training the dog to jump on people so you're a dick go get your own [ __ ] dog don't interact with other people's dogs it's not yours it's not your property and if you get bit you dumb if you get bit it's a mark against the dog because you're a dumb [ __ ] every new yorker could use a nice belly rub that's peter the anti-dog whisperer and i couldn't agree with him more dogs aren't bad it's people that are horrible becoming a pet owner is an enormous responsibility walk them feed them that's really it if you can't handle that then maybe you should be sent to a kill shelter and don't humiliate your pet with an awful name it's a living creature not a vanity plate you dip and if your dog eats your girlfriend's shoe roll up a newspaper and not too hard whack your girlfriend over the head with it because how else will she learn to put her [ __ ] shoes in the closet when she takes him off and just because you're also walking a dog doesn't mean we need to have a 20-minute conversation you already have a best friend stop trying to be mine and quit posting so many photos of your pet i'm not going to wish your pekingese a happy birthday he doesn't even know how he got his own instagram account and stopped telling me about how loving pitbulls can be you want an uncontrollable monster sharing my bed ah no thanks it's like dating a ufc fighter and no i don't hate cats i'm just highly allergic so if i want a hairy lazy animal that only cares about itself i'll buy a kardashian and knock it off with the exotic pets the rest of us don't want to die of malaria just so you can trick people into thinking you're interesting plus keep in mind there's no such thing as a sugar glider friendly hotel listen pets are family i get it but don't you wish they could live as long as your actual family and that your family would only live as long as your pets quick note to my siblings upon my death the tosh fortune will be split two ways yeah good luck getting a dime they have amazing lawyers but i guess what i'm trying to say is that peter's just like me he would murder countless innocent people for his dogs that's why i filled him with heavy sedatives and flew him here in the freezing underbelly of a 747 for this week's web redemption [Applause] what the [ __ ] is this this is the vip dog park just be happy that i got you on the list there's a really famous dog here a bit ago and bingo was his name-o b-i-n-g-o boom yeah that was a great place for celebrity dog watching [Music] hello thank you and these are pen ones oh yeah those would be fine that's good perfect is there anything else that can get you dogs uh no i think we're good wonderful thank you all right how many videos have you made peter i've got about 800.
something like that has started about three years ago have you always been irritated by people new york city is full of [ __ ] it's just there's so many people there it's irritating you know you're walking down the street and some jerks like whistling to your dog it's like how weak is this person's ego that they have to get the dog to look at them do you ever correct their behavior on the spot or no man i just send them a vibe like you're a [ __ ] idiot but you know they're you know i don't want to get in a fight on the street usually i have a dog with me so i try to be as chill as possible what are some of your bigger pet peeves that dog owners do uh don't pick up their [ __ ] what do you do when it's like like you say your dog was sick to his stomach and it's it's a liquidy and it's on a sidewalk i leave it who doesn't what do you feed your dogs raw diet raw diet only raw chicken hey this one gets this one's finicky the chicken's the only one he doesn't like but but but rabbit beef venison do you buy a prepared dog food i do it'd be cheap or not too i'm not looking to save money i know that you're you're okay i understand you're a douche bag milan what does caesar moan do the most often that irritates you oh [ __ ] he's just such an idiot about two weeks ago he has a great dane off of a leash it attacked his neighbor bit his hand the guy had to go to the hospital he's a professional he should know better but it seems like milan might have some issues maybe control issues all right you know i don't know we can say that on film i don't give a [ __ ] thoughts on michael vick being on the jets this season dick man i saw somebody just the other day with a vic t-shirt i was walking a dog i wanted to [ __ ] jack him in the face you know it's like who would support that [ __ ] what if he brings the jets a championship [ __ ] it i hate football you think you could train a wolf absolutely it's just a dog essentially but it would be a very high drive dog but i could train it to do basic obedience i want to buy you a wolf because if you walk that around new york oh people will get out of your way i don't know if it's legal i don't care do you consider like doing stuff like this bestiality no i don't think so it's not a sexual thing by the way you're a handsome guy you know like a young van johnson or something he's he's handsome right oh yeah peter i'm not gonna i'm not gonna argue with that yeah like a young band johnson young van gerald maybe like uh that snowden guy what no sorry just kidding i was joking somebody should put a bullet in his head all right peter we both know animal planet isn't ready for an innovative talent like you we need to find a network that will embrace your edgy style of dog training that's why i think we should shoot a pilot for hbo sounds [ __ ] awesome [Music] damn it marvels look at this come here dude you dick back what the [ __ ] are you doing you're rubbing your dog's nose in its own the [ __ ] the matter with you daniel take a dump on that floor would you teach this [ __ ] a lesson what the [ __ ] is the matter with you you know if you shove your dog's nose and that it's going to get on its nose and then it's going to lick it it's going to become a shader you want your dog to be a hater i'm worried i'm about to give myself a hernia peter why don't i just come back when i have one in the chamber but you but you get to wear the cone of shame for at least a week that's what you get for being an ignorant thanks guys this has been great you know what what the [ __ ] do you think you're doing what do you think it's idea rod for [ __ ] man if you have to glide around on your fruit boots in your neighborhood why don't you leave your [ __ ] dog at home it's 85 degrees your dog's miserable look at it they're sprinters they're not long distance runners take your [ __ ] dog home and get some cold water and get it in the shade you're right this was a really bad idea yeah and now you get to wear the cone of shame for a week hope you learned your lesson [ __ ] well well well let me guess you need your dog for some vague anxiety disorder you're not blind you're not crippled you're just some phony [ __ ] [ __ ] with a froofy dog yeah here we're the cone of shame for at least a month actually my service dog lets me know when i'm about to have a seizure my apologies this might actually keep you from chewing on yourself all right otis get to licking buddy you sick [ __ ] why don't you go jerk off to an episode of wilfred and leave your innocent dog out of your non-existent sex life i hope you get a peanut allergy and die you piece of [ __ ] here cone of shame you need to wear this for two weeks thanks guys i needed the intervention oh i need lunch you mind no no please in case it wasn't clear i was mcconaughey and peter was the bartender from cheers we'll be right back you